I used to have a boyfriend who lied about so many things. For instance, we were walking on the street and I saw a girl standing at the traffic lights who I thought was his ex (same girl I'd seen in a photo with him)
I said to him "hey, isn't that your ex?" He looked a bit startled for a moment but then shrugged automatically saying "no, its not" but I knew it had to be because he had forgotten that we were holding hands until he saw her. I didn't see the point in him trying to lie about such a simple matter.
The sad thing is, he used to be with such a possessive woman to the point he'd started living by her rules thinking it was normal to live like that. He was under the "spell" of a control freak.
You know we can never really change anyone but ourselves. She had tried to mould him into the sort of man she wanted him to be.
It's amazing how much sh*t this guy put up with and her ridiculous demands without realising the only person who keeps changing is the "good guy" who of course becomes the "bad guy" and usually over nothing because they start to LIE.
Lies are their only form of peace from being yelled at. It is sad when a person feels they need to lie for someone else. Not even because they want to. If they don't, it's just too much of a headache trying to explain the truth, as innocent as it may be.
When girlfriends complain to me about their boyfriends lying to them, I ask them to be honest with themselves. "Would they be perfectly "ok" with the truth?
You can't DEMAND the truth if you can't HANDLE it (remember that famous speech from Jack Nicholson on the witness stand in that movie "A Few Good Men"?)
The more you tell someone NOT to do something, the more supressed they become and the more likely they are to do it. They end up doing things behind their partners backs coz it seems easier to lie than to tell the truth.
This also keeps happening if 2 people aren't on the same wavelength or they have different values. They never see eye to eye because they are both fighting a losing battle.
This guy had brought in all this self imposed "baggage" with him. He was so brainwashed that even when I gave him all the freedom and space in the world to do what he wanted as he pleased, he still lied because he'd been "programmed" that way.
Sad, but true and it happens to a lot of people with possessive partners. It starts affecting their self esteem (though it's actually their partners who are inflicting them with their own issues). It's a vicious circle. I found myself going out of my way to ALLOW him to just be himself. To just tell me whatever it was, wherever he was and that it was ok.
It didn't work. All his ex's rules were so ingrained. His whole nature had become one of avoidance and mistrust (because he was so used to being mistrusted!)
He usually gave me answers that would keep him safe. Answers that weren't him. Especially on the phone. A simple polite "where are you?" was such a no-brainer but he felt he needed to say he was 'home' but from the background sounds, he was clearly out somewhere. Yup, this guy was a pretty bad case ;)
It was too tiring. I wasn't interested in the person he thought I wanted him to be. I wasn't interested in the answers he thought I wanted to hear. I was interested in him. But I couldn't get to the real him. It was buried somewhere under a pile of lies that were so unnecessary.
What spun me out was how he let go of my hand because he was still terrified when he saw her across the street. Even though they were over. She still had control over him like a mindless robot. Even though he wasn't doing anything wrong. Quite pathetic. He just wasn't living his own life or being his own person, sigh.
Needless to say, we didn't last long at all. He couldn't get it into his head that I was fine with "the truth" whatever it was day to day but the lying had become second nature to him. Like a plane on automatic pilot.
Obviously, this went against the grain of what I essentially believed any good relationship should be about. TRUST. When there's trust, there's no struggle, no second guessing, no questioning. It's unspoken.
Well, maybe one day he'd be able to take a chill pill and sit back with confidence "take it or leave it, this is me"
I felt sorry that he wasn't a liar to begin with. He had BECOME one to accommodate his ex and her shadow still lurked about to haunt him so he couldn't break the pattern or let go of her confining rules. He was not his own person.
I walked away because I had to and I was fine. I didn't even blame him for the way he was. You can't help someone who doesn't even realise they have a problem. Wherever he is, for his sake, I hope he's not with yet another control freak.
Live The Moment. It's all we ever have...