Monday, May 4, 2009

Why lie when you have NOTHING to hide?

I used to have a boyfriend who lied about so many things. For instance, we were walking on the street and I saw a girl standing at the traffic lights who I thought was his ex (same girl I'd seen in a photo with him)

I said to him "hey, isn't that your ex?" He looked a bit startled for a moment but then shrugged automatically saying "no, its not" but I knew it had to be because he had forgotten that we were holding hands until he saw her. I didn't see the point in him trying to lie about such a simple matter.

The sad thing is, he used to be with such a possessive woman to the point he'd started living by her rules thinking it was normal to live like that. He was under the "spell" of a control freak.

You know we can never really change anyone but ourselves. She had tried to mould him into the sort of man she wanted him to be.

It's amazing how much sh*t this guy put up with and her ridiculous demands without realising the only person who keeps changing is the "good guy" who of course becomes the "bad guy" and usually over nothing because they start to LIE.

Lies are their only form of peace from being yelled at. It is sad when a person feels they need to lie for someone else. Not even because they want to. If they don't, it's just too much of a headache trying to explain the truth, as innocent as it may be.

When girlfriends complain to me about their boyfriends lying to them, I ask them to be honest with themselves. "Would they be perfectly "ok" with the truth?

You can't DEMAND the truth if you can't HANDLE it (remember that famous speech from Jack Nicholson on the witness stand in that movie "A Few Good Men"?)

The more you tell someone NOT to do something, the more supressed they become and the more likely they are to do it. They end up doing things behind their partners backs coz it seems easier to lie than to tell the truth.

This also keeps happening if 2 people aren't on the same wavelength or they have different values. They never see eye to eye because they are both fighting a losing battle.

This guy had brought in all this self imposed "baggage" with him. He was so brainwashed that even when I gave him all the freedom and space in the world to do what he wanted as he pleased, he still lied because he'd been "programmed" that way.

Sad, but true and it happens to a lot of people with possessive partners. It starts affecting their self esteem (though it's actually their partners who are inflicting them with their own issues). It's a vicious circle. I found myself going out of my way to ALLOW him to just be himself. To just tell me whatever it was, wherever he was and that it was ok.

It didn't work. All his ex's rules were so ingrained. His whole nature had become one of avoidance and mistrust (because he was so used to being mistrusted!)

He usually gave me answers that would keep him safe. Answers that weren't him. Especially on the phone. A simple polite "where are you?" was such a no-brainer but he felt he needed to say he was 'home' but from the background sounds, he was clearly out somewhere. Yup, this guy was a pretty bad case ;)

It was too tiring. I wasn't interested in the person he thought I wanted him to be. I wasn't interested in the answers he thought I wanted to hear. I was interested in him. But I couldn't get to the real him. It was buried somewhere under a pile of lies that were so unnecessary.

What spun me out was how he let go of my hand because he was still terrified when he saw her across the street. Even though they were over. She still had control over him like a mindless robot. Even though he wasn't doing anything wrong. Quite pathetic. He just wasn't living his own life or being his own person, sigh.

Needless to say, we didn't last long at all. He couldn't get it into his head that I was fine with "the truth" whatever it was day to day but the lying had become second nature to him. Like a plane on automatic pilot.

Obviously, this went against the grain of what I essentially believed any good relationship should be about. TRUST. When there's trust, there's no struggle, no second guessing, no questioning. It's unspoken.

Well, maybe one day he'd be able to take a chill pill and sit back with confidence "take it or leave it, this is me"

I felt sorry that he wasn't a liar to begin with. He had BECOME one to accommodate his ex and her shadow still lurked about to haunt him so he couldn't break the pattern or let go of her confining rules. He was not his own person.

I walked away because I had to and I was fine. I didn't even blame him for the way he was. You can't help someone who doesn't even realise they have a problem. Wherever he is, for his sake, I hope he's not with yet another control freak.

Live The Moment. It's all we ever have...


mark said...

Life is so much simpler and purer if we always tell the truth, I agree. It must be hell not able to be your own person (but he probably doesn't know). Maybe there is a reason why you are in his life (albeit not for long), to make him more aware (but now it is entirely up to him).

Jack & Mel said...

hey sis! :) That is so true. Lie destroy everything, especially relationship and trust is the only secret for a forever relationship :)

Papa Jack said...

We wish everything is the best for u! :) If u have time, check ur fb's inbox! :)

Anonymous said...

Lies always end up telling the truth!! To lie takes up too much energy and eventually the liar will start to mix up the lies. Ken D.

Anonymous said...

I led a lie for most of my relationship and I know exactly how your ex boyfriend felt. It is very cowardly of me and it was draining .......ST (Thank you for your story to remind me to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth)

Jojo Struys said...

Hey guys ,
Thanks for all the comments so far from Mark, Jack, Mel, Ken and ST :)
I am trying very hard to keep up the blogs on a consistent basis and it is becoming very fun seeing all your comments each time:)
I will also be revamping the website a bit to provide more interesting content :)

Take care all and keep writing comments :) hehe


Fahmi Amin said...

"Everybody lies.." that's one of the most common phrase we hear all the time..

Sometimes we lie for a reason.. For whatever reasons or hidden truths or whatever we gonna call it, it's part of us as human. But if lying has been 'embedded' as part of the character, that's another issue as you have pointed out... but that's life. In life, it's all about choices, different choices we take will lead to different paths... In this case.. "To lie or not to lie"..

Well, whom am i to say.. even Clark Kent lies to Lois all the time lol

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for you, hope you are alright now. Any lies in a relationship is a no no. Any guys who blamed it on the ex or any girlfriend of wife its not a gentlemen. It is not fair for the girl, have you asked yourself what if its the other way around? Do you really know the girl to judged her? Did you hear the other side? You are in love with the guy that is why when he tried to explained his lies or tell you how torturing his relationship,that she is possessive blah blah.. you will feel for him and believe him. No guys will dropped off his girlfriend hands unless there is something he is hiding from you. Do you actually knows what had happened to his ex? Probably he cheats and lies too much and he is seeing many girls behind her back? Telling a lies and making excuses and blaming ex just to court somebody new, this is one guys tactics, ha believe me I am a guy and shame to say that I been there during my younger days. Guys can come up with any excuse just to get what they want. Worst if he or she is still in the relationship and blamed it on the girlfriend or wife. I feel sorry for the ex for what he did. I'm sure he tells lies to her everyday just to escape to be with whoever. Men is unpredictable. Girls is the other way round, warm, kind and generally with good heart. That is why guys can see many girls at the same time behind their wife or girlfriend. I have my story and regretted it since then. I am now a changed man a happy one as my love one is always next to me taking all my SH** and I took her for granted until I witness something and started dealing with my issues of LIES LIES. A healthy relationship is openness. All the best to you

Anonymous said...

Lying is something we all do. It is just to what degree. Is it lying to somebody else or to yourself? I know how your ex-boyfriend must have felt and the only thing is - you need to let go of one relationship before you start another. Your ex-boyfriend may not have let go or even told the other girl that he was dating someone else and maybe he did not want to hurt her feelings. So many what ifs? But what constitutes being right ? And what gives that one can judge?


Hemsem Ahmike said...

Yeay, I felt so sorry if to lie my gf, I told her the truths though she couldn't take it at first but after all she accepted. At least, I didn't lie.

Hey, are you jojo from health buzz? Seriously? I never miss your show especially interview with Ultraman. :D

Jojo Struys said...

Hi Ah mike. Yes, I did Healthbuzz ! Glad you like the show ! The ultraman was incredible. I cannot imagine racing for more than 30 hours in one race !


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LOL, yea. you know what, your show inspired me to exercise more. People like me sometimes do take advantage neglecting the importance of exercise, I feel better after doing those simple exercise with chairs. :D and also, jaga jaga when makan :)btw, you can reply me at the chatbox yea :)

Anonymous said...

guys' lie is like a make-up, they either do tht 4 ego, status or promote/protect image.

guys' lie is like a cover-up, they scared/assume/think their partner will surely be kecoh regardless, thts y.

Isabell said...

i had a bf like that.

and i felt just like you..

Jojo Struys said...

what a cool name ''hemsom ahmike'':) ....

Isabel -I am sure there are many more girls out there who have ahd their boyfriend lie to them but it is also what we do about it that counts :) Be strong and empower yourself:)*smile* Jojo

Nicole said...

I happened to see ur blog. Thanks for sharing with us ur story. Reading it makes me realise not to be a strict girlfriend with all the rules set for my boyfriend.

I wouldn't want to turn him into a liar.


Lina Naamali said...

Good read, JO.

Manja said...

OMG! When will I ever have a relationship with an honest man?!! The trouble with lies is that they eventually surface, and will catch up with you. If you're a perpetual and congenital liar, its often hard to keep track of all the lies you've been telling. Hello....enter my ex-boyfriend!! He couldn't even remember what was what, that it was just beyond exasperating to fathom WHY he was doing it to get muddled in his own mess, and wreck our relationship. Fortunately for me, i dumped him and gave him the boot! Right out the door!! Why is honesty so hard to find? It should be the easiest thing that comes to us, because its done without malice.

Anonymous said...

My bf/ex (i duno what our relationship is now) lied to me about everything. The most heartache moment was, when i busted his lie and told him it is okay to tell me the truth esp we have broken up, he still be able to open his eyes to the widest and told you " it is the truth". I hold his face so close to me to look into his eyes, the most pathetic thing is : you cant find a trace of truth in the eyes and the eyes showed you the "truth" he told you. He believed the lie is truth. I want to help him cause the damages he done to me hurt me to the deepest that i felt numb already. But seeing a guy i still have feelings have problems which i convinced should consult a doctor break my heart most. But the thing is, nobody can help unless one day he reckon his sincere lies have leave him alone in the world till his death.

HoustonWok said...

Wow, scarred from an abusive relationship perhaps. However with most guys, we lie to avoid conflict without realizing that we are steadily chopping away at the root of the tree, which will eventually fall right on us. Strange perhaps but everytime my buds get into arguments with their significant others, it's usually because they lied about something, yeah. I had to learn this as well, but preventative maintenance is the key. The truth doesn't always hurt, and don't do things that you think may hurt your significant other so that you don't have to lie about it later. Wish you the bestest!

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